PROMPT POST PART III

[cabinpres_fic]

Please see the most recent MOD NOTE

(updated 6 June)



Welcome everybody. How you got here I have no idea but thank you for coming and welcome again, nonetheless . As you may have gathered this is a Fic Prompting Meme dedicated solely to the hilarious and oh-so-addictive BBC Radio 4 sitcom - Cabin Pressure. I'm aiming for this to be pretty anything goes - but in order for everything to run smoothly, there are a few guidelines. Don't worry - they're not too restrictive.

FILLING GUIDELINES

As you probably all know - our meme now has it's very own database created and maintained by the great Enigel. It both catalogues each and every prompt that we post and provides links to fills. You can find it here: Google Spreadsheet

We also have a Pinboard archive which has been put in place by the lovely oxfordtweed in the place of our late Delicious Archive. This Archive contains a list of all the prompts this meme has to offer - you can find it here: Pinboard Archive

This is a great step forward in making our meme just a little more organised (but not too organised of course. This is Cabin Pressure) which is always a good thing.

So in order to make things easier to archive - Please nest your fills.

This can be done by either posting each part as a reply to that part's immediate predecessor, OR by replying each time to Part I OR - well you get the idea :D

It makes it simpler for Enigel and myself to link fills in a clean and clear manner. Following these guildelines will be very much appreciated guys :D

REPROMPTING

Reprompting is allowed but please include the URL of the original prompt when you do so. It will make it infinitely more easy to Archive which would make both Enigel and I very happy :)

As for everything else

1. Be respectful to one another. Disagreements are fine, but not everything disagreeable is trolling. If you suspect someone of trolling, just ignore it. If you cannot respond to a comment without attacking or trolling someone else, keep it to yourself.


2. No bashing prompts. It might not be your cup of tea - but obviously someone wants it enough to go to the effort of requesting it. So just scroll past it.


3. Prompt away as much as you like guys - seriously, go wild - but please try to fill as well.

NEW - If your fill includes a major element that veers from the original prompt (crossovers, established universes, kinks, et cetera), please take a few moments to check with the OP that such additions are welcome. This has caused problems in the past and it only takes a few moments of your time.

4. Please no RPF. I'm not trying to oppress you RPF writers and enthusiasts, I would just really like to avoid any legal problems.


5. When you post a fill (or post a new part of a WIP) please go over to the Filled Prompts Post (if it is complete) or the WIP Post (if there are still more parts to come) and, following each post's guideline's, post a link to this fill or new part.

REALLY IMPORTANT ADDENDUM

According to numerous Child Safety laws it is illegal to provide pornographic material to minors. Seeing that the majority of the stuff we have here is rather adult in nature, this Meme is consequently an 18+ zone. Failing to comply to this rule could result in the Meme getting shut down. So if you're here and you're under 18 please back button now.

+ Please do not post anything regarding minors in a sexual situation. It really doesn't matter how tasteful or crass it is, there are laws that classify that sort of thing as child pornography and as such, I'm afraid we're going to have to go with the attitude that safe is better than sorry.

It really is VERY important that these rules are upheld as the consequences are severe.

Other than that - go crazy guys. Any problems please just message me and I'll try my best to work it out.


Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Prompt Index

Current Prompt Post | Current Chatter Post | WIP Post | Filled Prompts Post | Searching Post | Orphan Post | Page-a-Mod Post | FAQ | Beta/Concrit Post
cabin_pressure @ LJ | Cabin Pressure @ AO3 | IRC Chat @ irc.ecnet.org #FittonATC

Comments

Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

Martin's students are actually very protective of their quiet pilot in the attic. So much so that the first generation of students added an extra clause to the student accomodation agreement based soley on the care of their house ghost: feeding him, fixing his van, helping him keep his accomodation. The second generation add more rules. And so do the third. All follow them without thinking.

For example:
Rule #23 - If anyone knows how to fix a car, Martin's van will always be one roadbump away from failing its MOT. Just check the brake fluid and the carburetor from time to time.
Rule #24 - If Martin's family (brother/sister usually) show up, he is NEVER in. (Addition, 2nd gen: this is a MUST), Addendum: MJN colleagues are acceptable and allowed.
Rule #30 - In emergency, call Douglas Richardson and/or Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. Martin won't think to.

Basically, I just want to see protective!students watching out for Martin.

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

I'm thinking of writing this, but for reference, do we have any idea how big the house is or about how many students live there? Has it ever been mentioned?

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

My parents rent out student houses and they usually have four to five people in it ,not including the attic/cellar, if that's any help.
This prompt sounds brilliant :D

Re: Martin's Students

[chess_ka]

I'm pretty sure Martin says this: "I'm the only grown-up. The other four are students at the Agricultural college."

Also: I would *love* to read a fill of this. A handbook on how to look after the ghost pilot would be adorable.

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

In Qikiqtarjuaq: "I live in a horrible attic in a shared house, where I'm the only grown up, the rest are students from the Agricultural college"
That's all the canon data on Martin's Parkside Terrace home. Hope this helps.

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

Never been mentioned officially, but it'll depend on the size of the house. It's not untual to get 4-5 students in a 3-bedroom house if the dining/living rooms are converted. Plus attic, cellar and any extensions added on.

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

There are five. In "Qikiqtarjuaq" Martin tells Carolyn "I live in a horrible attic in a shared house where I'm the only grown-up. All the other five are students at the agricultural college."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=i92tCDLERuA#t=175s

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

Seconded so hard!!

Re: Martin's Students

[tiwtin]

This is utterly adorable and I now need this like AIR!

Re: Martin's Students

[annievh]

Hee!

Rule #53: if, by any chance, you spot Martin talking to a female (be it a student or a friend or the cleaning lady), it is your duty to rush by and explain, "He's not being creepy, lady, he's just trying to be nice!"

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

Rule #53 appendix 1. In aftermath of. Rule #53 situation. The smelling salts are under the sink, next to the tesco own brand washing up liquid. Blue bottle.

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

PROTECTIVE!STUDENTS FOR THE WIN!

I might have to elope with this prompt... *is smitten*

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, I've been working away on this, but I've still got some gaps. Any suggestions on rules that you'd like to see? (We're bound to have cross-over, as I've got 24 already).

And wonderful anons who already added rules below- I've included those. They were too good to not include. :)

I'm looking to finish off the list at 31. (I put the 50-something one below as 31 instead, because I wasn't sure I could come up with that many.)

I'm looking for about seven more, at least, but if your imaginations run wild, don't hold back!

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

Rule 9: Arthur Shappey is a wonderful chap but NEVER EAT ANY FOOD HE HAS PREPARED.

addendum - don't feed it to the neighbour's dog either.

Re: Martin's Students

[(Anonymous)]

Rule *: It's not a bomb, it's just Martin's van starting.

Rule *: If your mum or dad sends you anything edible in a care package that you don't like, offer it to Martin, but only in a "I don't want this, here you eat it" way, not a "eat this, you're as thin as a coat rack, and your stomach rumbling in the night carries through the venting and keeps me awake" sort of way. He'll take any offer of free food as long as it's clear he's doing you the favour, and not the other way round.


And a corollary to other anons #9

Rule 9a: Do not put anything you suspect may have been cooked by Martin's friend Arthur in the house compost. We do not need another 'Triffid' incident.

(They're agricultural students after all)

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[alienstars2004.livejournal.com]

Thanks for everyone's input above! Hope you like it. My muse and I had a lot of fun with this one.


“You got all your paperwork into the main office already?”

“Yes, just finished it up this morning. I’m officially a resident, now.”

“Welcome to the sharehouse! Before you settle in completely, we’ve got our own contract of sorts for you to sign.”

“A… contract?”

“Don’t worry- it’s nothing major. Well, it’s important, but it’s nothing to be scared of. It’s just our “Care and Feeding of Our Resident Pilot-Ghost: A Handbook to the Pilot in the Attic. The first crop of students started it nearly ten years ago, when Martin first moved in.”

“Someone’s been here for ten years?”

“Yes- he’s not a student, that’s why. His name’s Martin. He’s a pilot. He lives up in the attic. We don’t always see him much, but he’s quiet and never bothers anyone. It’s actually rather nice, having a proper adult around, you know? Anyway, this is just our list on how to watch out for him, make life a little easier if we can. The Handbook explains it all. It looks like a lot, but it’s really just a bunch of little things. And now it’s become a tradition- anyone new who moves in has to sign it, and we all abide, silently, I might add, by it. It makes his life just a little easier. Oh, and I should add: if something new comes up, or you find something out of date, we can add on or fix things, as long as the majority agree.”

The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost:
A Handbook to the Pilot in the Attic
By the Past and Current Students of Parkside Terrace

Rule #1:
He does have a name: It’s Martin Crieff. He goes by Martin. (Note: use of the nickname “Marty” seems to bring on unpleasant memories, most likely from childhood and/or relating to his siblings. See Rule #24 for further information re: Crieff siblings)

Rule #2:
He is like Batman. Some days he is First Officer Martin Crieff Captain Martin Crieff of MJN Air. Other days, he is Martin Crieff, owner of Icarus Removals. 2nd Gen Addendum: He’s quite handy and cheap: use him to help you move as much and as many time as you can afford. Further Addendum (this one’s for the ladies): he’s not too bad to look at while working, either. Keep this in mind.

Rule #3:
Never use “Captain” sarcastically. He takes it very seriously and it’s his dream job.

Rule #4:
You won’t see him much (hence the “ghost in the attic effect”) but when you do, say hello. This usually gets at least a smile and sometimes a few minutes of conversation. For what it’s worth, he seems genuinely interested in what’s going on with the students he lives above, provided it’s not bitching and whining. 2nd Gen Addendum: ESPECIALLY bitching and whining about how hard your life is; or that you have no money.

Rule #5:
His section of the fridge/cupboards will usually be rather bare. Label any extra food or leftovers you know you won’t get around to eating as “Please Eat!” 2nd Gen Addendum: don’t make this too obvious. 3rd Gen Addendum: If it is obvious, have a good excuse- your parents came into town, your grandmother sent you yet another care package, etc.

Rule #6:
When making dinner, make a little bit extra (for reasons above). 2nd Gen Addendum: Make sure he’s around, first, or will be around before said food goes bad. He’s often gone for days on flights and it’d defeat the purpose if it went bad before he got back to enjoy it. 3rd Gen Addendum: As with Rule #5, don’t make it too obvious. A little extra. Or at most “I can only cook for two people, but won’t want to eat the same thing again tomorrow.” Depending on how well the removals have been, you don’t need to be as crafty.

Rule #7:
This probably should have been higher, but at least it’s on here: Martin is actually a pretty cool guy.

Rule #8:
See #7, and keep in mind that he is a “real adult,” and also a professional. Wild parties are great in college, not so much when you’re approaching 30. Be respectful of all inhabitants of the house. 2nd Gen Addendum: Also, he’s gone a lot on flights, use this time wisely.

Rule #9:
If there is ever suddenly a lot of noise coming form the attic: -and we mean a lot, like crashing, something breaking, or loud shouting- go up to check on Martin. He can be a little accident prone at times. If he doesn’t answer (and you know for sure he’s home; see below if he’s not): jimmy the latch on his door and go up to see what’s going on. If he’s not home, check to see if his windows are open. If they are, jimmy the latch on his door and shoo out whatever wild animal got in this time. (For kicks: write the most memorable experiences down and staple it to the back of this list). Clean up any mess said animal may have made. IMPORTANT: Make it look like you were never there. Don’t infringe on what little privacy the guy has living in an attic above a bunch of students any more than absolutely necessary (we figured after the first incident with the raccoon that the damage those little buggers can do if left to their own devices is worse than breaking and entering if the sole purpose of doing so was to stop history from repeating itself). 2nd Gen Addendum: if there is something seriously wrong, see Rule #30.

Rule #10:
He’s smart, but he doesn’t seem to think much of himself. If you ever need help with maths, physics, or, you know, AVIATION, have a friend who is, or are just interested in any of the above: ask him. 2nd Gen Addendum: Try and discern if he’s a) not in a terrible mood and/or very down (in which case, see Rule #11), b) not off to a removal job, or c) off to the airfield. 3rd Gen Addendum: Ask about aviation at your own risk. He may not stop talking for a very long time. Just humor him, though, because he means well. And it’s cute to see him so excited.

Rule #11:
Let’s face it, the guy lives in the attic of a student sharehouse, and he’s not a student. If you catch him out and about (usually at night, for some reason), make an effort to talk to him. Watch for signs to see how interested he is in talking, however. Leave him alone if that’s clearly what he wants. Just keep an eye on him, if he’s feeling down, make him a cup of tea (you were just about to make yourself one, anyway, right?), and give him an extra biscuit. Or if you’re making a late night snack of toast and jam, offer him a slice. Just be nice to him. 2nd Gen Addendum: He’s always been nice to us, even when there’s one guy that’s a jerk. 3rd Gen Addendum: Seconding 2nd Gen Addendum.

Rule #12:
Ladies: if you wish to drown yourself if strong perfume, be sure to do so only when there is no chance of you accidently running into Martin. He will start sneezing violently, his nose will get red, his eyes will water, and you will feel bad. Addendum: Gentlemen: This also apparently applies to overly strong cologne.

Rule #13:
Kind of on par with Rule #11, Martin seems to have the worst luck in the history of mankind. If you notice something amiss, network to subtly help out. Key word here is subtly: he’s not our pet charity case. 2nd Gen Addendum: interesting that this rule is #13.

Rule #14:
If something around the house needs fixing (like a sticky lock or a broken window latch), don’t feel awkward about asking if Martin can help out. He likes feeling useful. Use this as a way to how he’s not only needed, but appreciated.

Rule #15:
If and when he does fix something, always offer something in return- just something small. We’re an agricultural college, so maybe some extra vegetables. We’re all students and on a budget, so if there’s not much you can swing, then just give him a hug.

Rule #16:
Oddly enough, Martin is surprisingly easy to talk to. If you ever need to talk to someone, about just about anything, feel free to seek him out. If it is something that cannot wait, then do not worry about the late or early hour. But use common sense, please. He’ll stammer out awkward sounding advice, and probably apologize more than necessary when he thinks he’s said something wrong, but he still doesn’t mind being an ear to talk to. 2nd Gen Addendum: or a shoulder to cry on. What? It was a really rough semester. 3rd Gen Addendum: Martin seems to have more confidence now: he apologizes less, but he still stammers out awkward things. Don’t take it personally: if it sounds like it was mean, then remember who you are talking to. It came out wrong. We’ve all been there, right?

Rule #17:
Arthur Shappey is a wonderful chap but NEVER EAT ANY FOOD HE HAS PREPARED. 3rd Gen. Addendum: Don’t feed it to the neighbor’s dog, either. Further Addendum: Do not put anything you suspect may have been cooked by Martin's friend Arthur in the house compost. We do not need another ‘Triffid’ incident.

Rule #18:
Also Re: Arthur. He and Martin are not a couple. Arthur is that friendly with everyone who will allow it (think of a little kid). 3rd Gen Addendum: Arthur’s also weirdly good at tying ties, so if you need any help, just wait until he comes around to pick Martin up. He’ll be more than thrilled to help out. He loves helping. It’s brilliant.

Rule #19:
It’s not a bomb- it’s just Martin’s van starting. Addendum: Likewise, it’s not a dying animal screaming in agony, its Martin’s van attempting to start. See Rule #23 for further information re: Martin’s van.

Rule #20:
This one has already been said in Rules #5 and #6, but those spaces were getting crowded, so here’s an updated/reiterated version:
If your mum or dad sends you anything edible in a care package that you don't like, offer it to Martin, but only in a “I don't want this, here you eat It” way, not a “eat this, you're as thin as a coat rack, and your stomach rumbling in the night carries through the venting and keeps me awake” sort of way. He’ll take any offer of free food as long as it’s clear he’s doing you the favour, and not the other way round. Also see Rule #14 for Usefulness & Martin.

Rule #21:
If you find Martin asleep in an awkward position, or in a strange place, wake him up just enough to get him up to his room. 2nd Gen Addendum: Once you’ve woken him up, make sure he’s awake enough to make it up the stairs. If he’s not, just get him to the couch and raid everyone’s room for spare blankets. It will save you both bruises and not to mention egos.

Rule #22:
That pretty sketchy van parked out front, or around the back? No, that’s not a serial killer looking for his next victim; it’s Martin’s van. Also see Rules #19 and #23.

Rule #23:
If anyone knows how to fix a car, Martin's van will always be one roadbump away from failing its MOT. Just check the brake fluid and the carburetor from time to time.

Rule #24:
If Martin's family (brother/sister usually) show up, he is NEVER in. 2nd Gen Addendum: this is a MUST). Further Addendum: MJN colleagues are acceptable and allowed. (See Rule #30 for further information on MJN)

Rule #30:
In emergency, call Douglas Richardson and/or Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. Martin won't think to. 2nd Gen Addendum: If someone named Arthur picks up on Carolyn’s line, tell him to put his mum on the line. 3rd Gen Addendum: If someone named Herc picks up on Carolyn’s line, he is also acceptable to speak with. But make sure he passes on the message to Carolyn). Further Addendum: if a woman answers on Douglas’s line, assume she is the current Mrs. Richardson or soon-to-be-next Mrs. Richardson and politely ask for Douglas, specifying that it’s regarding Martin and an emergency.

Rule #31:
If, by any chance, you spot Martin talking to a female (be it a student or a friend or the cleaning lady), it is your duty to rush by and explain, "He's not being creepy, lady, he's just trying to be nice!" Addendum: In Aftermath of. Rule #53 situation: The smelling salts are under the sink, next to the Tesco-brand washing up liquid. Blue bottle. Also see: Rule #16

LAST AND FINAL RULE:
NEVER LET OUR GHOST PILOT IN THE ATTIC SEE THIS LIST.
NEVER SPEAK OF IT (OPENLY OR DIRECTLY) IN FRONT OF HIM.
This is for us to know about and him to be watched after.


I, _______________, a resident of The Parkside Terrace Sharehouse for the ______ term, hereby agree to all above stated rules and guidelines for as long as I reside in the property.

By signing below I agree to uphold these rules and guidelines to the best of my ability. The house, myself included, hereby reserves the right to add or amend any of the above rules as we collectively see fit, to ensure the continuation of the successful care and feeing of our resident Pilot Ghost

Signed: ______________
Witness (current occupant whom has already signed): ____________________
Dated this ____ day of ________, 20__

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[(Anonymous)]

Don't mind me, I'll just be here for the next few hours drawing little hearts all over you.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[mmaggie]

Love this, so sweet :)

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[(Anonymous)]

This is very sweet and it's good, I liked it! But it could do with a Brit picker. There's just somethings about this fill that seems very... "American". Especially the use of the word Jerk.

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[iff]

This is absolutely adorable! I love the idea of Martin's students adopting him and looking after him when he can't look after himself, and this has just hit so many of my happy buttons!

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[(Anonymous)]

This is just too adorable. I love it. I want to ditch my (admittedly lovely) student house and live in Martin's. I'd sign this contract for sure.

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[random_nexus]

OMFG I ADORE THIS! How incredibly sweet! *giddy giggles of delight*

Re: Martin's Students - FILL: The Care and Feeding of Your Resident Pilot-Ghost

[harriet_myres]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, I'm here melting for the cuteness of this! <3
I loved the various addendums from the following generations, and all the subtle and secret ways the students have found to take care of their pilot ghost! :)

Second Fill: Rules for Martin

[(Anonymous)]

Whoops. We've been working on this for about a month. Sorry it took so long.

--

1. Do not tell Martin about this list.



2. DO NOT TELL MARTIN ABOUT THIS LIST.



3. Don’t say anything if the rent is short. The rent will almost always be short.



4. He will occasionally miss entire months during the winter. Don’t say anything then, either.



5. His birthday is on 11 March. You can pretty much count on him to be working on this day, but make sure he knows that he’s not been forgotten.



6. If you ask Martin for a lift, even if it’s a quick five-minute ride somewhere, pay for petrol.



7. If Martin’s short on cash, ask for a lift somewhere and pay for ‘petrol.’



8. He likes fruit. Especially apples, but can rarely afford fresh produce. There should always be something fresh in the communal section of the fridge.



9. There will always be a communal area in the fridge, even if everyone buys and makes their own food.



10. If you have room, put some of his laundry in with yours. Between the van and MJN, he doesn’t need to spend an extra two hours every night waiting on the tumble dryer when he could be in bed.



11. The same goes for the washing up. He’ll insist on doing it all, every night, if you let him.



12. ALWAYS order enough take-away for two, and offer to share.



13. Invite him to house parties. When he declines, leave him a glass of wine.



14. Try to keep parties on the bottom two floors. He needs all the sleep he can get, and the floor’s really thin.



15. He likes romcoms. If you see something with Hugh Grant come up on the guide, offer to watch it with him. He could do with the social interaction.



16. He also likes to read, especially crime novels/mystery (in addition to things about planes). If you have any books, offer to let him borrow them. It’s one of the few offers he won’t decline without subterfuge on your part.



17. Martin quite enjoys cooking. If you want to see him really happy, let him make dinner for you. It should go without saying that you should insist he have some as well.



18. Be sure to clean up your room (actually CLEAN it) when moving day comes. He’s the one who winds up having to clean up after everyone over the summer to make sure the house is livable again in the autumn.



19. If you’ve broken something (window, the tap, whatever), make sure you’re the one to fix it, for the same reason as above.



20. Leave old but serviceable clothes behind when you go.
    
    ETA: Men only.
    
    Addendum: This definitely includes T-shirts. No matter how good he looks in a baby doll.



21. Don’t get him involved in flat wars. Even if you are right. He is Switzerland.



22. He’s here alone all summer. Make sure the cupboards have enough left in them to supplement his limited income.



23. If anyone knows how to fix a car, Martin's van will always be one road bump away from failing its MOT. Just check the brake fluid and the carburetor from time to time.



24. If Martin's family (brother/sister usually) show up, he is NEVER in.
    
    ETA: this is a MUST.
    
    Addendum: MJN colleagues are acceptable and allowed.



25. If you spontaneously decide to give him something, tell him your mother insisted you pass it on. He seems to be completely incapable of refusing people’s mothers.



26. He’s not there for when you rebound from your boyfriend. Martins are not just for Christmas!



27. Leave him an Easter egg when you all go home for Easter. He doesn’t go home to anyone.
    
    ETA: This applies to all holidays. He doesn’t seem to have been home in years. When he’s not on a flight, he spends the hols in his attic.
    
    ETA 2: He loves Airfix models. Make sure you get the paints to go with them if you do go that route.



28. In the second bedroom on the first floor is where the Emergency fund is kept. We don’t know who started it, or when, but the fund is for genuine emergencies. Even though they are generally Martin-related, he does not contribute to the fund and does not know of its existence. It should stay this way.



29. If he admits to being sick, he’s probably dying. Consult a medical student or doctor.



30. In emergency, call Douglas Richardson and/or Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. Martin won't think to.



31. No Anne Frank jokes.



32. No Casper jokes either.



33. Or Quasimodo.



34. If the cat doesn’t like your new boyfriend/girlfriend, that’s okay. If Martin doesn’t, they are not allowed in the house.



35. If a small child comes to visit, they will get on pretty well. Years eleven and above mean tears before bedtime.



36. Don’t draw on his face if he drinks too much and falls asleep on the couch. He almost always has to look like he knows what he’s doing the next day, and he needs all the help he can get.



37. Insinuations that Martin doesn’t know what he’s doing are neither welcome nor appreciated.



38. If you decide to colour your hair to a dark colour, let Martin have what’s left when you’re done. He likes his hair dark for his pilot job and can’t always afford the hair dye.



39. Don’t ask him why he has to supplement his income with a man with a van job. It’s just really unkind.



40. Don’t call Arthur Shappey stupid. Martin’s natural diffidence can only be pushed so far.



41. He actually quite likes the cat. He’s probably the only person to like the cat, but he can’t exactly afford to keep it around. Cat food is a small price to pay for keeping Martin happy.



42. Sometimes he gets sad. Make sure you see him at least once a day when this happens. Even if it means just taking him up a cup of tea.



43. His keys are always in his pocket, on the table by the door, or in the vegetable crisper. No, we don’t know why either.



44. Leave the porch and hall light on at night.
    
    ETA: If you decide that you need to save money instead, don’t leave anything in the way of the door.
    
    ETA 2: Solved with a nightlight!



45. The chart on the freezer should be used and followed religiously. Both his jobs are dangerous. If he’s not home within the hour specified on the chart, call his phone. If he doesn’t answer, call Mrs Knapp-Shappey (number on chart). If she has no information, then call the police.
    
    ETA: Don’t forget to tell them he’s not your son.
    
    ETA ETA: SERIOUSLY. Follow these steps to the letter. It’s not a catastrophe every time he’s late home. Planes get delayed and jobs run long. The police get really annoyed when they’re asked to find someone’s who’s in an airport lounge in Brazil.
    
    
46. If you know how to maintain computers, please make sure his virus protection is properly updated and all that. It’s terribly old and spare parts are probably hard to come by, but PS/2 mice and keyboards are still out there and always needed.



47. Don’t be stingy with your cigarettes. He’ll never ask for one, but you don’t want to see him have a nic-fit.



48. Just because he’s not picky about what he smokes does not mean it’s OK to give him weed. Seriously, that one’s just common sense, people. Pilots should not be getting stoned.



49. Similarly, the coffee in the cupboard above the sink is his. It’s always his. It’s the only thing he makes absolutely certain to keep stocked, so do us all a favour and don’t use it. Martin going through a caffeine withdrawal is just as bad as him going through a nicotine withdrawal.



50. Whatever you do, do not let both happen at once. You have been warned. Seriously, it’s like an English Werewolf in Fitton, and you do not want to see it happen.



51. Don’t mention that you think Martin needs to put on a bit of weight. He knows he does. Pointing it out is just cruel.



52. So is pointing out when you notice that despite this, he’s actually surprisingly fit, but it’s cruel for a different reason. Yes, it’s sort of amusing when he stammers and turns red, but he just get embarrassed when that happens.



53. Deliberately trying to make him stammer and turn red is not allowed. Boy/girlfriends who do it will be barred from the house.
    
    ETA: This goes for mums as well. No exceptions.
    
    
54. Mr Silvestri does know Martin lives in the attic. You don’t have to try to hide the fact from him.



55. Speaking of mums, try not to let yours hit on Martin. It’s never pretty and will just be awkward for everybody.



56. Or dads.



57. Or grans.



58. Don’t let your family hit on Martin.



59. If you do try to set Martin up with someone, be prepared to run damage control.



60. Even though it may sound like a good idea at the time, don’t try to set Martin up with anyone in the aviation industry. It’ll only go badly.



61. As it turns out, Martin is really good with numbers. He’ll gladly help you with your maths, but be sure to feed him or something in return.



62. Similarly, if there’s ever a budget crisis in the house, Martin is the man to go to. Just don’t mention the obvious reasons for going to him to help sort out tight finances.



63. What ever he just said, he doesn’t mean it like that. No, really. He’s just that bad at talking to people.



64. In the rare event that Martin brings someone home, the public areas are his. Related to the above, if something sounds like it’s about to go bad, try to offer some quick translation to what Martin’s almost certainly just said.



65. Related to the above, and the above of the above, his favourite ice cream is rocky road.



66. Related to the above x3, breaking out the Hugh Grant DVDs doesn’t hurt either.