tiwtin: (Default)
tiwtin ([personal profile] tiwtin) wrote in [personal profile] cabinpres_fic 2015-02-22 01:06 am (UTC)

Re: Character death?

I'm sure you wanted something much more deep and serious, but this is what popped into my head.


Martin: Oh, God. I think we're dead. We're stood on a cloud, in a garden, and there's a gate... Oh God, oh God.

Douglas: Oh, she's done up the place since I last visited. 

Martin: I remember turbulence, lightening, then... Nothing. Suddenly being here.

Douglas: Oh, I wouldn't worry.

Martin: Don't worry?! I'm DEAD!

Douglas: Can't get any worse then, can it? So no need to worry.

God: Douglas! 

Martin: Ahh! Where did she come from?

Douglas: She didn't come from anywhere, Martin. Omnipresent.

Martin: What? Excuse me, Madam, but who are you, and am I dead?

Douglas: Let me introduce you both. God, this is Martin, my captain. Martin, this is my ex-wife, God.

Martin: God's a woman? Sorry, sorry - I didn't mean it like that. I'm a feminist, I swear. I have a t-shirt that says I am - please don't send me to Hell... Please.

God: I wouldn't send you to Hell, dear; that devil's a right cow. But I'm afraid you are a bit dead, technically.

Martin: Oh, God.

God: Yes?

Martin: But why? Why? I mean, why?

God: It's Douglas' fault. He never visits. 

Douglas: Darling...

God: Don't darling me! Divorce or no divorce, we split amicably, so you should visit. Your daughter misses you.

Martin: God is your ex-wife? What? Daughter? 

Douglas: Oh, Darling, she's all grown and doesn't need visits from her dad all the time and we talk regularly. If she wanted to visit me herself she could.

God: She certainly cannot. Not what happened to her brother!

Douglas: Oh, that was over two thousand years ago. And he didn't exactly keep a low profile, letting everyone know just how well connected he was, daft sod. Though, I still think two thousand years is an excessive time to ground the lad, even if he did accidentally end up creating his own religion.

God: We've talked about this, Dougla-

Martin: Am I to understand that God has killed me so that she can bicker with you, Douglas?!

God: I'm not bickering! I just called him up... For a chat.

Douglas: Bored were you?

God: Yeah, it's a bit quiet. You?

Douglas: Oh, not too bad. Bought a flat, thinking of replacing the Lexus. But you knew all that... Omnipresent and all.

God: Polite to ask, though. 

Martin: Omnipresent. You really watch over us? You know everything we do, even when we're alone?

God: Yes, Martin. And I know what you get up to on boring nights in alone. Naughty boy.


God: No Martin. I don't. I'm an all powerful deity, I have better things to do than watch three and a half billion men wank.

Douglas: She lies. I once caught her watching Paul Newman with his hands down his pants.

God: It was the 60s, Douglas! And keep your voice down - he's here now... He makes the most heavenly salad dressings. Anyway, want to come in and sit down? I can have someone fetch tea and those nice brittle honey biscuits from the Mesopotamian era.

Martin: No! Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but Is there any chance of a resurrection?

Douglas: I've told you, Martin. Don't worry. 

Martin: But- but-

Douglas: Anyone else good come up recently?

God: Rik Mayall. He's one of my favorites at the moment. Absolutely hilarious.

Douglas: Oh yes, good one. 

God: Seeing anyone? 

Douglas: You know I'm not...

God: I might have to send my favorite winged archer after you.

Douglas: No match-making! So stop looking at Martin with that smirk. He's not interested.

Martin: What?

God: Yes he is. Omniscient, remember. All-Knowing.

Martin: What, what?

Douglas: All-Meddling more like. Tell you what, what if I pop up for dinner this weekend?

God: Oh, I'll invite Rik! And do bring along Martin once he's recovered from the whole "meeting God" thing.

Douglas: Well, you do make an impression.

God: That's why you married me, Darling. See you Saturday night? 7:30?

Douglas: Why not. Come on, Martin. 

Martin: Douglas, why are you clicking your fingers.... Douglas! We're back in the cock-pit! The storm cloud is behind us! We're alive!

Douglas: Told you not to worry. When I told you I was a Sky God I wasn't kidding. I got the title in the divorce.

Martin: Oh, my... I just met God!

Douglas: And you asked her if she watched you masturbate. Nice one... Most people go for 'What's the meaning of life?', but at least you were original.

Martin: Oh, God.

Douglas: Exactly. Also, what are you doing Saturday night?

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